Non-custodial parent weekend in retrospect
Did I do everything I could?
Did kiddo have a good time?
If not, am I still a good parent?
Even if I so, am I still a good parent?
I’ve been a non-custodial, long-distance parent for almost 2 decades…
Wow! Time really does fly when you’re…freelancing…managing a full-time career…raising an ex-husband… raising a new fiancé and then converting said fiancé to…a husband…moving interstate…adopting a dog…or 2…incessantly worrying about being a good parent…you know the drill. I have no idea how I do everything I do. It’s really all just a blur of constant activity)
Technically, I suppose, I’m not even a long distance parent OR a non-custodial parent. My son is 22 and in college. He lives with roommates. Custody and visitation are over.
I still worry.
I wrote the following on my way back to Boston from Bergen County, NJ a few years back, while custody and visitation were still a thing. Not much has changed, really. I still, after every visit with my son, spend my drive home after I drop him off worrying I did something wrong during that visit.
The Mom and Child weekend is 3 days over. My son is back with his father. It was a “chill out” weekend. I didn’t have anything more than a rough plan, and even that I more or less scrapped. Money was a bit tight this month. I opted for the simple pleasure of hanging out with my son around the house for 3 days, except for a short visit to Minute Man National Historical Park, the site of the Battle of Lexington and Concord.
I wonder if Leading Man #1 minded that. I know this isn’t the weekend he expected.
He wanted to go to the grocery store, and to GameStop. I sent my husband to the grocery store and insisted on a hike through Tophet Chasm with the dog.
He wanted to go to a restaurant for pancakes and bacon. I made them at home.
Kiddo wanted to buy a Christmas tree. I opted for one of the firs in our back yard that needed clearing.
Kiddo wanted to go shopping for another pair of blue jeans. I decided that kiddo would quickly outgrow another pair of jeans before I saw him in December and did laundry instead.
We did go to the dog park twice. Kiddo seemed trepidatious at first – turns out he’s a bit leery of large dogs – but enjoyed it in the end. We also watched a Doctor Who movie, and saw the new Terminator movie.
Thank you Hollywood for Mackenzie Davis, by the way. We need more strong, intelligent, women kicking ass front and center on the big and small screen.
There was also none of the routine and chores I typically enforce when kiddo is visiting. I had no jobs for kiddo to do. I did the dishes and laundry myself.
So did I do everything right? Did I do my best for my son this weekend? Does every weekend have to be spectacular and adventurous, planned and set out in meticulous routine?
I start to feel guilty about all the things Leading Man #1 wanted to do, and the things I did instead, and decide, No.
No. I don’t need to feel guilty. I shouldn’t feel guilty. I should relish the time I had with the best and most important part of my life. I should savor every minute, pore over the pictures, and be happy. When you are a non-custodial parent, all the time you get with your children, even the unplanned, mediocre times, are still the best times.
Besides, this wasn’t so mediocre. It’s good to just sit and do nothing together on occasion.
Besides, I’ve got a whole month to plan December.
-CMR November 2018 and September 2023
