Marital Mysteries That Will Remain Forever Unsolved
Even after a decade together, there are things about my husband I will never understand…
12:41 p.m. Ummm…Where’d the day go? I could have sworn it was only 10:30…
Coffee Consumption: A lotta. I’m on my 2nd pot, actually. Don’t ask what that’s doing to my nerves.
Music: Ambient “buy everything you see whether you need it or not” music. Also the sound of my extremely rickety shopping cart. Why do I never, ever get a good one?
The Canines: Out in the backyard with The Omen.
The Omen: Outside reading and burning cardboard in our firepit. Also supposedly watching the canines.
Leading Man #1: At his place in Trenton. Just woke up from a long nap. Man! Sometimes I do miss being 21.
Wal-Mart, or as I like to call it Wal-de-Mort, Chelmsford, MA
Saturday morning…ok, afternoon. I got a late start. More on that later…at Walmart. I’m here for exactly 1 thing. Already, there are 5 other items in my unfortunate shopping cart. I say unfortunate because the cart’s tires are announcing to everyone else in the store, which is not small, what aisle I am currently in. Maybe the cart is my subconscious, reminding me that I hate shopping, hate crowds, hate stores (except for the Stop & Shop down the road), and that my wallet is going to hate me when we get to the checkout.
Be hushing you 2! I haven’t bought the dogs new Nyla bones in a long time. Also, yes, I really do need those socks. No, they will NOT get forgotten and fall prey to The Rockstar this time. Ugh! Now I am so stressed out by this whole inner conversation I need Godiva! Where’s the candy aisle?
Wanna guess how hard it was to find a tasteful garter belt picture on Adobe Stock?
Moving on. 7 more items land in the cart, including more socks (for my son), extra underwear my husband probably doesn’t need, and 2 new dog beds (they really are spoiled) before I finally silence the cart in front of what I came in for: Bed Garters.
Or anyway, that’s what I call them. I think the technical term is Bed Sheet Holders. The things you attach to the bottom corners of a sheet to keep it on the bed while you’re sleeping. I call them garters because the ones I am familiar with, staring right at me from their shelf in Wal-de-Mort’s bedding aisle, hook to the sheet exactly like a garter belt hooks to thigh high stockings.
…to be continued…I am typing this up at home and The Omen needs a Costco list. I mentioned I hate stores, right? Costco on a Saturday pretty much tops the list…
Also, of course! I’m writing.
20 minutes later: 5 minutes to type up, fully proofread, edit, and create a custom layout for the grocery list and hand it off to my husband. 15 minutes to listen to him rattle off each item on the list and confirm we don’t already have half the things on it/complain about what is on it. Welcome to being married to a mid-40s going on craggy old man.
Mysteries about my husband I know I will never solve
There are many. TheOmen is a man of mystery. But the one that brings me to Walmart on a Saturday afternoon involves bed garters is how in the bloody hell only my husband’s corner of the bedsheet doesn’t stay put. For some reason, every morning without fail I find the upper corner of his side of the bed devoid of a fitted sheet. I don’t mind this happening. I’m just kinda curious about why. TheOmen himself doesn’t know. I’ve asked him.
I’ve been sharing a bed with my husband since 2008, before we were actually married. In those 14 years we have shared a total of 3 different mattresses, not counting all the mattresses we’ve shared when travelling or visiting with our folks, and the microscopic mattress pad we shared on a Maine Windjammer. Every morning, no matter what mattress, even if he slept completely still and did not move throughout the night (when your husband and 2 dogs snore like buzzing chainsaws you tend to be a light sleeper), the upper left corner of the bed sheet is completely pulled off the bed. This happens without fail.
Also, it is only the top corner, at his head. For some reason the rest of the sheet on his side stays put.
I know this because I witness it. I am a compulsive morning bedmaker. I cannot start work each day until I have made the bed. I wish I could. I would like to have a messy bed for if for no reason other than to say “Oh! The bed isn’t made. Oh well!” I can’t though. The made bed sets me up for order and organization for the entire day. It happens in hotels, too. Even though I know housekeeping will be by and potentially remake it while I am out that day, I still make the bed.
I know the sheet corner culprit is not the sheets – I use nothing but super extra deep fitted sheets for that reason – or the bed itself. I do toss and turn at night (usually trying to find a comfortable sleeping position around 1 or both of the 90+ pound canines). Every morning, without fail, my side of the sheet is fully attached to the bed.
Speaking of The Canines…
You might think the dogs, who frequently change sleeping positions, usually putting paws in my face, stealing my pillow by propping their heads on it on it, or, in the boxer’s case, doing a full 180 and ending up on his back with his head barely resting on the edge of the bed, would be a potential culprit in this bed sheet corner business.
Nope. Not the case. Like I said, I’m a light sleeper. TheCanines are just the reason my back hurts in the morning. Nor is this bedsheet corner thing particularly common. My son has spent his entire life tearing up his bed at night and every morning the flat sheet is firmly fixed to the mattress. If my nearly 20-year-old memory serves, this never happened with TheEx, either.
No. This is purely a TheOmen thing.
His pillowcase is completely off his pillow every morning, too. I’m not touching that just now.
Getting back to Walmart and the bed garters. It’s not a catastrophe to put my husband’s corner of the sheet back on his corner of the mattress every morning. It’s not even particularly annoying. But since I am at Walmart getting everything but the 1 thing I originally came in for anyway, I might as well pick that up as well. It’ll save me a trip in the future.
When I get home and attach the bed garters to the bed, I remember why I abandoned thigh high stockings in my 20s. What a royal pain garters are! My Fitbit buzzes on my wrist. Getting those things onto the sheet properly was 20 minutes of cardio.
It’s been a week now since I originally wrote this, and my husband’s corner of our shared fitted bedsheet remains firmly on the corner of the bed.
Now the mattress cover under the sheet is riding up.
–CMR, 8/13/22
